How Accountability Can Help You Move Forward (Without the Guilt)
A personal journey through chaos, self-doubt, and the pursuit of true accountability.
In 2019, I was at a major crossroads in my life. I was preparing to take a huge step: marriage. I loved my now-wife deeply, and that led me to start collecting the courage to step into a new chapter of life, one filled with greater responsibility and commitment.
I wanted to propose.
At the same time, I had just bought a condo. I remember looking at my wife and saying, “What did I just do?!”.
That question popped into my head not because of financial uncertainty. I was in a stable place, but it was a moment of realization. A major, irreversible decision was now in motion, and it triggered a deeper reflection on control. With so many life changes happening at once, I felt overwhelmed. It wasn’t just about making choices; it was about understanding how much of my future was actually in my hands. That’s when I started thinking about accountability — not necessarily as an abstract principle, but as me thinking, "Too much is happening at the same time; things are getting out of control, and I need to get back to it.".
The problem was, I had a distorted sense of accountability. I always considered myself disciplined and responsible, but I started noticing a pattern — it only showed up in two specific situations:
When I was close to a deadline and fear kicked in.
When I was deeply passionate about something, my energy was boundless.
Outside of those moments, I struggled to maintain balance. My perfectionism, something I had carried for years, made me set impossibly high standards for myself, and when I inevitably failed to meet them, I would spiral into self-judgment. On top of that, I was dealing with impostor syndrome at work, which made me overcommit just to prove I belonged. Even though I had started taming that, traces of it still lingered.
I needed to find a way to hold myself accountable without destroying myself in the process.
But before I could figure out how to regain control, I had to understand what accountability actually meant. Because for a long time, I had the wrong idea about it.
What Do I Mean by Accountability?
I used to think of accountability as pressure — a force that kept me from failing, a way to meet expectations, both my own and those of others. “Do what you say you will do”, “hold yourself to a higher standard”, that kind of thing. It felt like something external, like a measurement of whether I was doing enough. And when I didn’t meet those expectations, accountability turned into self-judgment.
But now I see it differently.
Accountability shouldn’t be about guilt. We should reframe it as realignment.
It’s the ability to see where you are versus where you want to be without shame.
It’s the skill of adjusting instead of abandoning when things don’t go as planned.
It’s about discipline that adapts — not rigid rules, but a system that helps you return to what matters.
This shift in how I viewed accountability changed everything for me. And it started at a time in my life when I felt like things were spiraling out of control.
When I Finally Lost Control
I had convinced myself that I was keeping everything together, that I could handle all the pressure, until I couldn't. The moment everything truly cracked wasn’t at work, or in my relationship, or even with the condo. It was something seemingly simple: getting my driver's license.
The thought of driving around without what I considered proper preparation completely broke me. My mind was overloaded with everything happening in my life, and this was the thing that tipped the balance. Suddenly, all the pressure, the overcommitment, and the fear of failure caught up with me.
I had a full-on breakdown.
Looking back, this wasn’t just about driving. It was about control, or rather, the illusion of it. I had spent so much time obsessing over things outside of my control that I neglected what I could control. I was measuring success by external pressures rather than internal alignment.
In that moment, I was forced to confront something Seneca once wrote:
“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.”
I was letting imagined failures dictate my actions, holding myself hostage to expectations that didn’t serve me.
Something had to change.
The Turning Point
Therapy became my anchor. Among the many things we navigated, like my deep aversion to uncertainty, one of the biggest shifts was my understanding of accountability.
Instead of seeing it as pressure, I began to see it as clarity. Instead of focusing on the things outside my control, I started redirecting my energy toward what I could actually influence.
I wasn’t resisting this realization.
I saw the benefits immediately.
It was like standing at the edge of a storm and finally seeing clear skies on the other side. I realized that accountability wasn’t about punishment but realignment.
This shift wasn’t just theoretical. I started actively applying it:
I analyzed my actions. What was I actually responsible for, and what was just noise?
I put things in perspective. Was I making decisions based on fear or purpose?
I created a plan. Instead of just hoping things would get better, I mapped out steps to take back control.
And the first test of this new mindset? Getting my driver’s license. I broke the process down, made a plan, and executed it.
I got my license. Now, I can drive anywhere.
Reentering the Job Market with a New Mindset
One of the biggest confirmations that this shift was real happened when I had to put myself back into the job market. In the past, this would have been overwhelming. The unknowns, the competition, the fear of rejection — it would have sent me into overthinking mode.
But this time was different. Instead of spiraling, I applied what I had learned:
I focused only on what I could control.
I worked backwards from my end goal: getting hired.
I created a strategy instead of relying on luck.
The process was challenging, but I didn’t let uncertainty consume me. Instead, I executed step by step, and it worked.
I landed the job.
This wasn’t just a career move. It was proof that my new approach to accountability was working.
Making Accountability Adaptable
The biggest difference now? I’ve let go of rigidity.
I still have setbacks. My impostor syndrome isn’t gone. My perfectionist tendencies still creep up. But instead of letting those moments derail me, I adapt. I’ve developed a mental model — Adaptable Discipline — that allows me to course-correct without guilt. Instead of punishing myself for missteps, I simply realign and keep moving forward.
This shift also made me more aware of something even more important: time.
Stoicism, which I was already exploring at the time, reinforced this perspective. Life is short, and my time is limited. If I waste it obsessing over things I can’t control, I’m letting life slip away. That realization pushed me to be intentional about what I commit to and how I hold myself accountable.
When you feel stuck, ask yourself: Is this a moment to push forward, or is it a moment to adapt? What would realignment look like here?
Takeaways
If you too have struggled with accountability, whether it’s perfectionism, impostor syndrome, or the weight of expectations, here’s what I want you to take from my story:
Accountability isn’t about pressure; it’s about clarity.
If you constantly feel overwhelmed, ask yourself, Am I holding myself accountable for things outside of my control?
Shift your focus to what you can influence and let go of what you can’t.
Self-discipline isn’t about rigidity but adaptability.
If your discipline only works under extreme pressure, it’s not sustainable.
Instead of punishing yourself for slipping up, create systems that help you realign.
Realignment is more valuable than perfection.
Discipline isn’t about never failing; it’s about how quickly you course-correct.
When you feel stuck, instead of forcing yourself forward, pause, reassess, and adjust.
Work backwards from what actually matters.
Holding yourself accountable isn’t just about doing what you said you would do. It’s about making sure your actions take you where you truly want to go.
How do you do that?
Define what success actually means to you before setting goals.
Break goals into essential steps and eliminate distractions.
Are you focusing on the right things or just staying busy?
If you don’t believe in something, you’ll work against it.
If you struggle to stay accountable, ask yourself: Is this truly aligned with what I want?
The more clarity you have on your values, the easier it is to commit fully.
Time is your most valuable asset; spend it wisely.
Don’t waste energy worrying about things outside your control.
Measure success by how well you spend your time on what truly matters, not just by external results.
You’re not alone in this.
If you’ve been using accountability as a tool to beat yourself up, I get it. I’ve been there too.
But accountability can be something else. It can be a tool for growth, self-trust, and long-term success.
You don’t have to be perfect — you just have to keep realigning. And that? That’s always within your control.
Have a wonderful week!